A Spanish tourist traveller was passing through a small English town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin."

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!"

_________________-----

Two men met each other on the beach at Majorca. One looked at the other and asked, 'Are you brown from the sun?' 'No,' replied the other, 'I'm Smith from The Times.'

　

An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman. "Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they'd chatted for a while. "I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," said the Australian. "Are you?" said the other. "You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

　

Two robbers broke onto a lodging house in Glasgow. They were discovered and a tremendous fight broke out. Bleeding and covered in bruises they finally managed to escape through a window. Well, we didn't do too badly said one, 'we came out with twenty pounds.' 'Thats true,' said the other, 'but we went in with sixty pounds.'

A plane was shot down over Middle East and Bin Laden’s men captured a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian. Osama says, "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am. You will be given 50 lashes each, but you can have whatever you want on your back." The Australian goes first, and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives. The Englishman says, "I will take it as it comes, I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly "Stiff upper lip you know eh what." His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold. "Now Wee Hughie, it's your turn, you have the same choice as the other two, what would you like on your back" says Saddam. Wee Hughie replies quickly and without hesitation, "I'll have the Englishman".